Bathing Suits in February?

I was angry. This had gone on long enough, and someone needed to take responsibility for it. Somehow the system had to be changed, so I turned to my old friend and lawyer, Theodore J. "Fang" Herzenfanger, Esquire, Attorney At Law.

"Fang," said I, "I want to sue someone."

"No problem. Got the lawsuit papers right here, ready to go."

"How could you have the papers all ready to go? I just walked in."

"The lawsuit papers are always ready to go," Fang replied in a tone that indicated just what a naïve simpleton I was. "Just tell me who and why, and I'll do the rest."

"Oh. Well, I want to sue one of those big-box discount warehouse stores."

"Excellent!" he exclaimed, eyes suddenly ablaze. "What for - slip and fall in one of the aisles? Some defective products they sell? Injury from gross negligence? Wet hands from a lack of paper towels in the restroom? Whatever - we'll make 'em pay!"

"Potential Frostbite," I replied. "And while we're at it, Potential Heatstroke."

That one threw even old Fang. "Potential Frostbite and Potential Heatstroke. Gotta say, that's a new one, even for me."

"Well, here's the deal. I trudged through the snow and ice to get to the store last January, looking to buy a snow shovel and some insulated boots. But when I got there, they didn't have any. In fact, they didn't have anything for winter, even though it was winter. All they had - you know, besides the usual 55-gallon drums of ketchup and the 400-packs of hemorrhoid medicine - was summer stuff."

Again, even wiley old Fang was thrown. "But it's winter."

"Exactly my point. There were sleeping bags, camp stoves, canoes, shorts, bathing suits, wading pools, golf clubs, all kinds of stuff. But no snow shovels or boots. No ice melter, no gloves, no snow rakes, no down blankets, no nothing. So, I ending up buying a bunch of camping gear. Well as you know, you can't buy new stuff and then not use it, so I went home, got the dog and the suntan lotion, and started to pack the truck for a weekend at the lake."

"But it's winter," Fang pointed again.

"Exactly my point!" I exclaimed, happy that he finally understood. "If it hadn't been for my wife, who gave me a patented wife-stare that instantly conveyed the idiocy of my intentions and brought me to my senses, we would have gone camping. And since it's six degrees and snowing at the lake -"

"You would have gotten frostbite," interjected Fang, "hence your claim for damages under the Potential Frostbite argument. Got it. But where's the Potential Heatstroke in January?"

Now it was my turn to regard Fang with the same simpleton stare he had belted me with earlier. "Don't you get it? They intend to do exactly the same thing to me six months from now. Just as summer is starting and the temperatures are getting up into the 90s, I'll go into the store to buy a bathing suit and a wading pool."

"You in a bathing suit and a wading pool? I could sue you just for the mental image of that." "Stop interrupting, or you're going to miss the larger legal argument here. I'll go to get my wading pool in June, but all that will be there will be snowblowers and Christmas decorations. Unless my wife is there to stop me, I may end up attired in snow boots and quilted overalls, trying to hang Christmas lights on a hot afternoon. Hence…." I looked at him expectantly.

"Potential Heatstroke," he whispered reverently as his comprehension ratcheted up a couple of notches. "Wow. That's brilliant - it'll make history. And best of all, it's totally premeditated on their part. We can prove that they intentionally utilize calendars that are a full six months off from everyone else's, in clear violation of…well of something. The nuisance factor alone is worth billions."

"I don't want to sue for money. I just want to bring them to their senses. I just want to force them to have snow shovels in January and wading pools in June, instead of the other way around."

Fang's senses shut down completely when I mentioned not wanting the money - Fang was never one who was particularly high on moral principles. "Then let me give you a little advice," he sighed. "Logic and retail don't have any correlations in the real world. It's like donuts and dieting - they simply don't exist on the same cosmic plane. Forget about it. Oh - and get a life."

I nodded and took my leave, but I wasn't really listening. "It's summer in Australia," I mused. "I bet I could get a snow shovel there."