Cell Phones: You Gotta Learn It Somewhere

Good morning, and welcome to Cellular Telephone 101 and 102. This is a combined class on cell phone attitude and mobile cell phone use, where you will learn techniques once thought to be far too obnoxious and obtuse for use in polite society.

“During the first semester of the class, we will cover all aspects of the proper attitude to adopt when using a cell phone in public. We will cover voice volume overload, and how to properly increase speaking volume by a minimum of 700 percent as soon as you answer the phone. Extra-loud giggling and swearing will also be covered in detail.

“This portion of the class will also delve quite deeply into how to ignore those around you when you’re on your cell phone. We will look at such things as hostile glare avoidance, and learn how to ignore mild to severe throat clearing by anyone within a 100 foot radius. We will practice the ‘turn your back on ‘em’ maneuver, and show you how to effectively use your body language to make it clear that those silly ‘Please Turn Off Your Cell Phone’ signs obviously don’t pertain to you.

“Next, we will gradually work on increasing your skin thickness until you are fully comfortable answering your phone in crowded restaurants and movie theaters. As your skin thickness approaches two inches, we will begin organizing field trips. These fascinating practice trips will concentrate on teaching you how to let people know you’re more important than they are by using hand motions to get them to do things for you while you talk on the phone.

“For example, we’ll show you how to non-verbally direct the grocery store clerk to use paper or plastic to bag your 31 items while you chat on your phone in the 10 Items or Less lane. Or how to hold up a line of 18 people waiting to check out of a hotel while you make that oh-so-important call, all the while employing short, irritated motions at the desk clerk to complain about a 12 cent overcharge on your bill.

“The second part of the 101 class deals with the mechanics of the phone itself. We’re going to show you how to program the phone to play Christmas carols in July, and how to spread joy to people around you by getting your phone to play the Mexican Hat Dance at full volume when it rings in a crowded airline terminal. Our teacher’s assistants will follow you around until you have proven that you can successfully irritate a minimum of 47 people in each of 29 real-life venues. Then—and only then—will we consider you qualified to advance to Cellular Telephone 102.

“Cell phone 102 will concentrate on the exciting and fast-paced world of mobile phone use. We’ll begin with the tricky ‘look down at the phone to dial while driving’ technique. This will culminate in a mid-term exam where you will have to prove that you can dial an entire 11-digit phone number at 55 miles per hour without ever looking at the road.

“For those of you who survive that part of the class, we’ll then move on to the truly advanced portion of the training-one-handed driving. You’ve seen people do it, and you’ve probably thought: ‘Wow—that guy parallel parked with one hand while never losing one second of his conversation, and he did it in under seven minutes while only hitting each car twice. How did he learn that?’ Well, we’re going to show you.

“You’ll learn the ‘grab the phone with your chin’ technique, the popular ‘shoulder scrunch’ method, and the now-famous ‘smoke, chat, and sort-of drive’ maneuver. You’ll learn to steer with your knees while never missing the punch line of that amusing anecdote, and how to narrowly miss pedestrians while never losing the thread of the conversation with your long-lost Aunt Gertrude.

“All this brings us to your final exam, where you’ll prove to me that you’re as good as any cell-phone driver who’s currently out there menacing the roads. To pass the exam, you will be required to drive around town for an entire day while sitting on one of your hands.

“That’s right—and I know it sounds both dangerous and inconsiderate—but you will actually steer, turn, park, back up, merge into heavy traffic, and drive at 15 miles under the speed limit with a string of cars behind you, all while sitting on one hand and gazing out at the world with a vacuous, preoccupied grin on your face. If you can do that, you can prove to me that you can drive while holding a cell phone. And then you can, truly, stand tall among your peers.

“Okay—let’s get started. How about we all text-message practical joke instructions to one another!”