Once upon a time, long, long ago, a young couple met. His name was Ronnie Republican. Her name was Debbie Democrat.
Ronnie and Debbie came from different backgrounds. They had nothing in common. They didn’t respect each other. They didn’t even like each other. And yet, as relationships sometimes evolve, they decided to move in together. So they packed their bags and headed to a city in the eastern part of a wonderful land known as America.
Once there, they moved into a huge and beautiful home. This grand home was owned by some very generous People. The People agreed to let Ronnie and Debbie stay there, so long as they cared for the home, maintained the home, and treated the home and the People who owned it with respect. Ronnie and Debbie didn’t understand a word of what that meant, but they needed a place to live, so they agreed.
Ronnie took over part of the house. Debbie took over the other part of the house. They couldn’t agree on how to divide the house equally, so they turned to the generous People, who decided it for them. Ronnie could have the larger share for a while, then after a few years, Debbie could have the larger share. Every few years, unless the People saw that Ronnie or Debbie was doing a much better job of maintaining the house, the People would switch things up again. Everyone thought that sounded very fair.
Alas, it wasn’t. Ronnie and Debbie soon started arguing. They argued about everything, all the time. They even argued about the things they agreed on. You see, each of them wanted the entire house to themselves, and they wanted it forever. So as soon as the People divvied up their shares of the house, Ronnie and Debbie started plotting how to get more. They lived in a state of perpetual animosity, rooted in fear, greed and insecurity. They quickly stopped caring about their agreement with the People to maintain the house and treat it with respect.
Then one day, the house broke. All of the pipes and the wiring and the roofing seemed to let go at the same time. It was so sudden – one day, the house seemed fine, with water flowing through the pipes, all the lights on, and the roof intact. The next day it wasn’t, with faucets that didn’t work, lights that had gone dark and a roof that was leaking like a sieve.
The People were dismayed. All of their hard work and their life savings had gone into building that house. They had allowed Ronnie and Debbie to live there rent free, had even paid them a nice salary to watch over it. What happened? More importantly, how quickly could Ronnie and Debbie fix it?
Ronnie and Debbie sat down at the beautiful antique walnut table in their beautiful home to discuss things.
“The house is broken,” said Ronnie, “and you, Debbie, are solely to blame for breaking it. Now step aside, because I’m the only one who has the tools and the materials to fix it.”
“The house is broken,” said Debbie, “and you, Ronnie, are solely to blame for breaking it. Now step aside, because I’m the only one who has the tools and the materials to fix it.”
They stared at each other across the table. The sun set. The sun rose again. The sun set again. A week passed, then a month. Fall turned to winter. Winter turned to spring. Season after season changed. They stared at each other across the table.
“The house is broken,” Ronnie said again, “and you, Debbie, are solely to blame for breaking it. Now step aside, because I’m the only one who has the tools and the materials to fix it.”
“The house is broken,” Debbie said again, “and you, Ronnie, are solely to blame for breaking it. Now step aside, because I’m the only one who has the tools and the materials to fix it.”
“This is ridiculous,” the people cried! “We need help to fix the house! That’s what you promised us when we let you move in there! Are you blind? Stop arguing over nothing! Find a compromise! Fix our house so we can begin to rebuild our lives and our beloved land!”
Ronnie and Debbie finally heard the people. They looked at each other across the table.
“Well,” said Ronnie, “if it’s not my fault, and it’s not your fault, then it must be the fault of the people who lived in the house before us.”
“I’m not saying I agree with you,” said Debbie, “but let’s issue a joint statement saying we’ve discovered that the former occupants of the house are the ones who broke it.”
“I’m not saying I agree with you,” said Ronnie, “but let’s also say that now that we’ve found the problem, we’ll form a bipartisan steering committee that will collaborate with a bipartisan advisory group that will report to a bipartisan subcommittee that will liaise with a bipartisan stakeholder committee that will report to a bipartisan house fix-it advisory association that will then have a workshop before making a recommendation to the full house repair committee at their annual three-month retreat in Barbados, and that that will fix the problem.”
So that’s what Ronnie and Debbie did.
“But the problem isn’t fixed,” the people cried again! “You’re trying to fool us! It’s been years and years and years and years. The house is still broken. You’ve spent billions of our dollars on committees, you’ve argued over anything and everything, and the pipes and the wires and the shingles still don’t work. We want you out of the house!!!”
So Ronnie packed his bags, and left to live happily ever after with his $2 million annual salary as a lobbyist. And Debbie packed her bags, and left to live happily ever after on her private island with the money she’d made from insider stock trading.
Ralphie Republican and Donna Democrat moved into the house. And the people are still waiting for the repairs.
I warned you it was a sad fairy tale.