Times are tough right now, and I’ve been looking for ways to pick up a little extra cash. And that’s when it dawned on me. I’ve got this column to sell – maybe all I need is an infomercial!
Scene One: Faded black and white, slightly blurred. An obese man in a torn bathrobe, sitting at a beat-up table in a run-down kitchen. The remains of some congealed oatmeal is in a bowl at his side. He’s reading a humor column in a newspaper. His face is scrunched up, and he obviously doesn’t find it funny. His expression goes from bewildered, to disgusted, to angered. He rises abruptly, knocking over his cheap chair, which shatters on the worn linoleum floor. He grabs the newspaper, spreads it on the counter and pointedly dumps the day’s trash on the humor column before wadding it up and tossing it toward the trash bin. He misses, and coffee grounds and old grease splatter the wall.
Voice-over announcer: “Are you sick and tired of humor columns that aren’t funny? Is the one in your local paper not even good enough to hold coffee grounds?”
Scene Two: Full, vibrant color, crisp focus. A beautiful young couple is sitting at a poolside table under a warm sun. The table is spread with a lush array of fresh juices, pastries and tropical fruits. The man is reading The Lighter Side aloud from the paper. The couple laughs continuously, pausing here and there to catch their breath before continuing.
Voice-over announcer: “Isn’t this more of what you want from your humor column?”
Scene Three: Full, vibrant color, crisp focus. The beautiful young couple steps inside from the patio and spreads the newspaper out on an expensive granite countertop. The woman bends forward, scissors in hand, showing ample cleavage. She begins to carefully cut the column out of the paper.
“This is another one we just have to cut out and have framed,” she purrs.
“I know,” the man agrees. He slips off his shirt, revealing sculpted, oiled pecs, and lifts a hammer. He turns, flexing, and tacks a nail into the wall. Lifting a platinum-and-teak frame from the counter, he shows it to her, then hangs it on the wall next to an endless row of similar frames. “However, that’s the last one we have room for. That Lighter Side column is so good, and we keep framing and hanging so many of them, I think I’ll have to call the contractor today to see about having another wing built.”
The couple smiles lovingly at each, laugh, and say at the same time, “but it’ll be worth it!”
Scene Four: Faded black and white, slightly blurred. The obese man in the torn bathrobe is on the floor, sweeping up coffee grounds, crying. He pounds his fists against the other humor column, then reaches for a bottle of whiskey.
Voice-over announcer: “It doesn’t have to be this way. Your life doesn’t have to be this bleak, empty, pointless and humorless. There’s a simple way to bring sunshine and joy into every dark, dank room of your life.”
Scene Five: Full, vibrant color, crisp focus. The beautiful young couple is walking through the park on a perfect sunny afternoon, each breathlessly laughing as they recount favorite lines from past columns. Coming toward them is the obese man in the tattered bathrobe- still shot in black and white and slightly out of focus. He’s carrying a tattered umbrella because it’s raining over his head. He’s still crying. The beautiful young couple stops in front of him.
“What’s wrong,” they ask in unison?
“It’s my humor column,” he sighs between sobs. “It’s just not funny, and my days are bleak. I walk around under this rain cloud, and besides that, I’m black and white. All I want is to laugh again. Oh yeah, and to be dry and in color.”
The young couple smiles knowingly at each other. She reaches into her bag, leans forward – showing ample cleavage – and hands him a copy of The Lighter Side. “Try this. It’ll make all the difference in the world.”
The man looks at it, clearly skeptical, but takes the column, thanks them and walks off.
Scene Six: Full, vibrant color, crisp focus. The formerly obese man in the tattered bathrobe is seen lounging on the back deck of his yacht, tan and fit, in a silk dressing gown. He’s reading The Lighter Side and laughing. Several framed columns hang on the walls around him. He slowly sets down the paper, wiping a tear of joy from his eye, and looks at the camera.
“Since discovering The Lighter Side, my dark clouds have disappeared. My days are filled with sunshine and I’ve become CEO of the world’s largest sunscreen company. I own yachts and homes all over the world, my hormones are perfectly in balance, all of my extra weight simply fell right off – including that stubborn belly fat – my sex life is the best it’s been since I was 18, my eggs no longer stick to my frying pan, my lawn is green and the envy of all my neighbors, my garden hose doesn’t kink up any more, all the stains instantly came out of my laundry and I no longer get up in the middle of the night to urinate! I owe it all to The Lighter Side!”
Voice-over announcer: “So don’t delay! This could be you in just a few short weeks! Supplies of The Lighter Side are very limited due to high world-wide demand, so you MUST order within the next 14 minutes to ensure that our Amish supply chain can get your delivery out to you! It’s just $19.99 per column, in 10 easy payments of $19.99 each, plus $19.99 shipping and handling, plus a $19.99 processing fee! But wait – there’s more!! Order within the next eight minutes, and we’ll double that order! That’s right – you’ll get TWO columns for just $19.99 per column, in 20 easy payments of $19.99 each! Just pay separate shipping and handling of $19.99 per payment of $19.99, plus a $19.99 handling fee for each payment of $19.99 that’s greater than, less than, or equal to $19.99! It’s that easy!!
“And best of all, it comes with an iron-clad, money back guarantee that at least one of us is going to be absolutely delighted with this deal!”