By Paul Bianchina
The economy’s a bit tough right now, needless to say. And with the Washington kindergartners continuing to argue over who gets first dibs on the better playground at recess, things don’t look to be getting better any time soon. So I’ve decided to take matters into my own h s, start my own small business.
I don’t have any capital of my own, I don’t have any useful skills or products to offer anyone, I don’t want to put forth much effort to do anything useful – I guess you could say I’m like a politician in that regard. Fortunately, I had a number of highly successful enterprises that I could model my new venture on, so please be looking for the following introductory email coming to your Inbox in the next few days.
I’ll expect an immediate response.
“Hello, the goodest of much possible days to you. My name is General Senator Hector Albert Herbert Mubanga of the Republica of the Most Revered Honored Isl of the Peninsula of the Coast of Nigeria. I was the husb of the third of my blessed father’s concubines, later had the honor to become the husb of my late mother’s entire barnyard of chickens until they were taken away by the rebels of the Third Liberation Army of the Sun Goddess Ra, who slaughtered the eggs left my poor humble family with nothing but the shattered shells of the yolks upon the ground of my blessed homel .
“Through much searching upon the World Wide Internet the EmailWeb, it is upon your name which I have been led upon to by the golden light from above. I have the greatest of good fortune to tell you that it is at this juncture of the stars in this year date of time hour that your name has been drawn from the Most Golden Urn in the Majestic Hall of the Gr est Pubah of the Lotto Mountain.
“The Gr est Pubah has awarded down upon your pure good little skull the sum of $18 Trillion United States Dollar Bills in real unmarked money bills with actual presidential picture faces on them. Yes. They are yours to keep, each every one of these happy little Presidenials. And there are with this most happy of happinesses no other of the ropes attached thereto.
“But please to wait, because, my dearest heart, there is yet more to your blessed goodness of fortunateness. It has been much noted with terrible sadness by the many peoples of those that I talk with to in the years of my many months of background research into your righteous worthiness to receptionalize this biggest pile of money, that you have a certain physical lack-ness. I wish two not dwell two long upon this unfortunateness, but I learn you are much troubled by your smallness of manliness. So it is with massive – I make joke! – happiness that I also informify you that part of prize package include magic potion, before now only known to His Most Esteemed Emperor OakStaff. Now you have many many many many days hours of most manly pleasure with pleasing all of those who will be within residing your most happy harem.
“It is my humble wish upon myself to informify you in my most humble way that there are the most greatest number of scams upon the World InterWeb at this very moment. I am sure this amazes perhaps even causes some amazement for you. But yes, as the Lotto Pubah Most Esteemed Emperor OakStaff are my witnesses, the truth it is!
“So, my dearest friend, it is with much, much joy happiness that I can now tell you that the Federal Branch of Investifying things (FBI) of your very own country has investified this issued Certificate #FBI-YES-AOK-A.1-GO.FOR.IT. So you have for the safety of your little self the full power mightiness of your biggish government for your safety. That is a good very good thing!
“So now that you are happy safe about to be very very very very very rich have much much happy manhoodness, this is little thing left to do. All your many billions of green-backs the OakStaff formula are at this moment under a specific banana tree on a secret isl 230 yards offshore from the chair in which my humble bottom is residing as we now communicate over the WebNet. All that is needed necessary is map, big shovel machine, truck to move treasure home to your much happy love nest.
“Alas, my sacred friend, there is one tiny hitch in my get-along. The government at much ugly border, they are not loving honest like myself. They require paltry Redemption Fee of $12,389.00 United States money dollars to allow truck to roll across Checkpoint Abdul. Simply send to me following stuff: Money; Social Security Number; Bank Account Numbers; Driver’s License Number; Complete Physical Description; Names Physical Descriptions of all Family Members; Bank Account Numbers Social Security Numbers of all Family Members; Military ID Numbers; Car License Plate Numbers; Home Address Description of House; Work Address Description of Building, Including Cubicle Restrooms; All Phone Numbers; List of all Songs on iPod; Name Description of all Pets; Names Descriptions of all People you Work With; Names Descriptions of all People you Have Ever Met; Transcripts Course Descriptions, from Kindergarten through Present; Bowel Habits; Television Viewing Habits; Length of Lawn; Shoe Size; Boxers or Briefs.
“Once I have all such four-going stuff, I make all arrangements, because I like you so very much. It is such niceness to work cooperationationalize with person such as you, that I know I can trust. “And you, my friend, can trust me much too, yes?” Paul Bianchina can be reached at paul2887@ykwc.net for comments.