Millenials Are The Most Stressed-Out Generation, read the article’s headline. OMG, thought I! That’s terrible. I didn’t know that! As an intrepid journalist, I wanted to know exactly why that was the case.
First though, I wanted to know what in the world a “millennial” was.
Turns out that was the easy part. A bit of Googling – much preferred over Binging, which I swear I’ll never get used to – led me to discover that a millennial is someone born between 1980 and 2000.
Okay, so that’s what a millennial is – a Baby Boomer’s Baby Boom. But why would they be stressed? They basically have everything. One article said it’s because they’ve been too shielded, have poor coping skills, are used to instant gratification and were raised in a society where you get a trophy just for showing up.
Ouch.
But I thought that might be a tad unfair, and I wanted to delve deeper. Here’s what I discovered:
-Millenials have to try and track which Kardashian is engaged, which Kardashian is pregnant, which Kardashian is getting a divorce, which Kardashian is having a lavish million-dollar wedding, which Kardashian is having an affair and which Kardashian is currently overweight and shouldn’t be wearing a bikini but is anyway and was just photographed on her private island by 12,000 photographers while consoling the pregnant Kardashian sister who’s having a million-dollar prenuptial divorce baby shower. And – they have to do all that while simultaneously tracking which DUI/accident/theft/fight Lindsay Lohan is appearing in court for this time! It’s enough to make anyone’s head spin!
-Recent DNA testing has shown that Millenials have blood which is 93.7 percent Red Bull.
-After studying 793 episodes of House Hunters on TV, it’s become clear that no self-respecting Millennial can live without granite countertops, stainless steel appliances and hardwood floors, and this is adding substantially to their stress levels. This has grown to such epidemic proportions that auto manufacturers had reported a serious slump in new car sales to Millenials until they began installing granite dashboards, stainless steel glove compartments and hardwood floor mats.
-According to my exhaustive research, Millenials now spend 22.67 hours out of each day researching new electronic products. Tops among those are smart-phones, smart-tablets, smart phone-tablets, smart tablet-phones, smart-tables, smart-chairs, smart-belts, smart-shoelaces and smart-condoms. Stress levels have been shown to ratchet up to almost unbearable levels every time Apple introduces an upgrade to one of their products, which it does every eight seconds. Some 397,000 Millenials had to be hospitalized for stress-related medical conditions recently when one electronics manufacturer moved the headphone jack from the top of their music player to the side.
-Doctors have recently identified a malady that’s come to be known as “Restless Thumb Syndrome,” or RTS. RTS manifests itself whenever a Millennial is deprived of the opportunity to text. In a double-blind study, doctors surgically removed the cell phones from the hands of 1,100 Millenials. As soon as they came out of the anesthesia, their thumbs began to move over the keyboards that were no longer there. Therapists and psychologists were called in to help reprogram the Millenials to regain their ability to communicate through the use of speech, but it was hopeless. Again, stress levels were extremely high until the ability to text instead of talk was regained.
-But stressful as all those things are, they pale in comparison to the ultimate stress-inducer. It’s estimated that at some point in time, every Millennial will move back home. Think about the horror of waking up one morning and realizing that it’s time to pack up your dirty socks and your 12 cases of electronics and head for Mom and Dad’s house, with its Formica counters, white appliances and – gasp – carpeting!
Wait. Is that right? Give me just a second to go back through my notes……
Oh yeah, I thought I had that last part wrong. Moving back home isn’t the ultimate stress-inducer for Millenials.
It’s the ultimate stress-inducer for Mom and Dad.
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