So, did you spend part of last night slowly killing yourself?
The fall TV season in now in full swing, if, like me, you spent any of last evening engrossed in any part of it, that’s exactly what you were doing.  At least that’s what we’re now being told.  According to some interesting Australian lifestyle data, each hour of television you watch is going to shorten your lifespan by a whopping 22 minutes!  If you’re over 25 watch the tube an average of six hours per day, plan on living at least five years less than those who don’t watch it.
Okay.  Interesting stuff.  But personally, I find a lot of holes in that theory.  For example, what if you shut off the TV spent the same six hours per day doing something else.  Say, talking to your spouse.  Your lifespan would actually plummet.

But, in fairness, they were talking about watching TV, so let’s get back to that theory for a moment.  What the study didn’t bother to differentiate was what the viewer was watching.  Well come on now!  That’s pretty significant, don’t you think??  I mean there’s a definite difference in the impact of one show on your brain cells over another, right?  Can you really compare a History Channel documentary on Lincoln with, say, a Jerry Springer expose on “I slept with my wife’s sisters but it was okay ‘cuz I didn’t know they was related I was drunk they was real purdy!”
So before you despair do something unthinkable, like selling the TV, I thought it was important to look into this a little further.  Sure enough, I quickly discovered that while some shows will in fact detract from your lifespan – some at a rate that’s even greater than 22 minutes per hour – many shows have been proven to actually add minutes to your life.  It’s all about balance, choosing the proper lineup.  
To help you get started, here’s a guide to several common TV genres, along with the average amount of time that watching it will add or subtract from your lifespan:
News (Average 59 minutes lost for every 60 minutes watched):  Well duh.  This is pretty much a no-brainer.  When was the last time you saw anything good on the news?  Death, destruction, stock market crashes, Octomom Lindsey Lohan – it’s all bad.  Even the weather mostly sucks.  Only the occasional cutsie story about a puppy or a duck rescue keeps it from being a complete 60 out of 60.
Sports (Average varies): This one’s a lot tougher to categorize, because it depends on the sport.  For example, there’s football, which has a net lifespan gain of 37 minutes for every 60 minutes watched, due to the heart-pumping excitement the occasional glimpses of the sideline cheerleaders.  Basketball, on the other h , averages a 41 minute loss per 60 minutes watched, due to the perplexing fact that the playoffs start on the second day of the season, last until the start of the following season, have every team in them except two, who are picked at r om based solely on how many players on the team are not currently in prison.  Golf actually ranks highest, with a net gain of 48.7 minutes of added lifespan per 60 minutes watched.  When the announcers begin speaking softly you watch that little white ball just rolling, rolling, rolling, rolling, well, it’s better than any other type of sleep aid for encouraging life-enhancing afternoon naps.
Reality (Average varies):  As with sports, this is a tough call.  Once again, it’s all about balance.  Jersey Shore?  A mere five minutes of Snookie The Situation will not only shorten your lifespan, it will leave you begging for someone to shorten it even further.  America’s Got Talent?  First you have to define “talent” – a guy in sequined skin-tight shorts pole-dancing is a net loss in the tens of thous s, but then you have a little girl singing opera with a voice that defies description, you end up gaining back everything that pole-dancer dude took aware from you, more.  Throw in Amazing Race (best thing on the tube!), you’ve got a net gain.  So Reality TV is really a crap-shoot.
Soaps (Average 136 days lost for every 60 minutes watched): Gina is married to Tom who’s sleeping with Ray until he met Allison who died when Raul hit her with a helicopter while scuba diving with Annette who’s reincarnated from the sister of Monica’s bother’s Great Uncle Leon who (change channels) was in the Peloponnesian War until he married his own brother who turned out to actually be his twin sister on his father’s side who’d been trampled by a horse on her way to the stable to meet Lucas who had just returned from (change channels) being frozen in a tube for 23 years while they searched for his missing right kidney which had been stolen by Melanie during a robbery when it was mistaken for a slice of beef that she’d laced with poison to feed to her husb who was secretly married to her mother until the hideous skateboarding accident left her unable to….
That’s the best I can do to help you out.  From here, you’re on your own.  Remember, avoid the news the soaps, choose your sports your reality TV wisely, keep track of your minutes each day.  And if you find that you’re slipping behind the curve you’re sacrificing too many minutes of your life to TV, don’t despair.  You don’t need to turn to exercise or conversation or anything extreme like that.  
Just find yourself a couple of classic Seinfeld reruns, you’ll quickly be back on the plus side.  Like I said, it’s all about balance….
Paul Bianchina can be reached at paul2887@ykwc.net for comments.