Remember ‘Keeping up with the Jones?’ It was that all-pervasive need to acquire whatever, whenever so you wouldn’t fall behind the materialistic bar set by the nonexistent Jones couple down the street. Well apparently Jonesy passed away quietly somewhere along the line, perhaps a victim of the implosion of the real estate bubble. But fear not, all you seekers of one-upmanship. There’s still a place you can aspire to, where it’s easily possible to outdo your friends and neighbors and keep up with the spirit of dear departed of Mr. and Ms. Jones.
It’s the Bucket List.
Yes, the good ‘ol Bucket List, that inane, irritating, ‘Don’t Fear The Reaper’ term that’s somehow managed to creep – or creepy – its way into the American lexicon, as well as into our everyday conversations. This is a society that spends billions every year staying young, and now the new national obsession is with what we can cram in just before death pays a visit.
‘So, what’s on your Bucket List?’ you might be asked in casual conversation from someone you barely know. Really? It’s now generally accepted to just nonchalantly inquire of a virtual stranger: “So loser, since you obviously haven’t done much with your life up to this point – and judging by the wrinkles and the gray hair the ‘ol clock’s ticking pretty fast now – got any intention of trying to do at least one exciting and worthwhile thing before they toss dirt on you?”
I’ve come to the conclusion that Bucket Listing – in case you didn’t know it, it can be a verb as well – has evolved into one of today’s trendiest spectator sports. It’s a non-contact way of living life without actually living it.
“Ah, yeah Dude, rafting down some Class 5 rapids on the Zambezi River. Definitely on my Bucket List.”
“Yeah, I hear ya Bro. Mine too. Although it’ll probably have to wait until after I do some cliff diving in Hawaii. That’s, like, right up near the top of my Bucket List.”
“Very cool. Cliff diving’s on my Bucket List too, but it’s under skydiving, slack-lining, train-surfing, and, like, a couple other things that I, like, read about somewhere.”
“Sweet, very sweet. So, how about we grab a big plate of nachos and a couple ‘a six packs and go chill on a couch in front of a big screen somewhere – we might get some more ideas for our Bucket Lists!”
Me, I still remember the term ‘Pushing Up Daisies.’ It’s a bit less harsh, and since I’ve gotten so sick of hearing about Bucket Lists, I’ve decided to adopt a Daisy List instead. And rather than destinations, I’ve decided mine will comprise acts that benefit humanity. Here’s what’s currently on it:
#5: After having almost been turned into road kill several times by idiot drivers on their cell phones, Daisy List item #5 is to invent a device I can surreptitiously slip under car hoods that will block a cell phone signal for everyone inside the car. It will also send little electric shocks into the thumbs of anyone who dares to text while driving.
#4: Daisy List item #4 is to create a new calendar to replace the current Gregorian Calendar, and thereby put the world back into its correct order. Under the Paulorian Calendar, March will cease to exist, because it’s too windy and I hate the wind. The month of Jugust will be added instead, placed between July and August, because summer is just too darn short. Spring will be eliminated because it doesn’t exist here anyway, replaced with a much longer fall so that football season will last for nine months. To compensate for the longer football season, the NBA playoffs will be reduced from their current 11 month schedule to just one game.
And most importantly, the Paulorian calendar will have an annual one-day political season. All politicians for all offices, from local to national, will be allowed to campaign from 8am to noon on that one day only. The election will follow immediately, from noon to 6pm, so there’s no time for polls or political analysts. The whole exhausting, irritating cycle will be over by midnight.
#3: Next, I plan to develop a calorie-free calorie. This will revolutionize eating as we know it. Let’s say a piece of triple-chocolate cake with fudge frosting and chocolate curls has, like, three gazillion calories in it. But if they were my calorie-free calories, it wouldn’t matter. Go ahead and have a second piece. Sit down with a serving fork and eat the whole darn cake. In fact, you’d probably need to hunt down a couple of Brussels sprouts just to keep from losing weight!
#2: Given the overwhelming success of #3, the only logical follow-up will be Daisy List item #2, which is to develop fat-free fat. With my fat-free fat, you can not only have two slices of triple-chocolate cake with fudge frosting and chocolate curls, but you can have them deep-fried if you’d like. In my world, when you order cake, don’t be surprised if you hear, “You want fries with that?”
#1: That brings me to the number one thing on my Daisy List, which for me was easy. Before I start pushing up daisies, I’m going to track down the person who first cursed the world with the term Bucket List. Then I’m going to take a huge, heavy, ugly, rusted, dented bucket and I’m going to….
Damn, deadline’s here. Well, hold that thought… Or better yet, go ahead and put it on your Bucket List.
Paul can be reached at paul2887@ykwc.net.